Grief, And Feeling Lost And Off Balance

When you lose someone close to you, you may expect the sadness, even as it goes to your core in a way that you could not have known. The loss is profound. You miss them terribly. Moving through life now, memories drift into your mind as if you’re porous, coming in through all your senses—a scent that reminds you of them, a sunset that speaks of them, a park that recalls time you spent with them. The sadness, the remembering, isn’t always constant, but it is there in the background underneath. And when it comes, you can feel it across your mind and your heart and in your body too. In all of you. This is often what we talk about when we talk about grief.

But there is also a lostness that can come with grief. A sense of losing direction. Not knowing where you are in space. The loved one whom you have lost had their own gravity in the solar system of your life. With them gone you may feel as if you are floating in empty space. It can be difficult to find direction and grounding again. The whole system of your life feels askew. Your relationships, work, creative projects, hobbies—the things that have long provided you with meaning, joy, satisfaction, and pride—may feel for a time like they have lost their pull for you.

This can be very confusing. This lostness, this feeling of drifting, is not something we often talk about when we talk about grief. It is not always intuitive to connect your grieving with feeling so lost. You may not be thinking about your loved one who is gone when you feel this lostness. And without a sense of where this lostness is coming from, when it comes up, you may feel confused, or afraid. You may feel as if life is always going to be this kind of barren landscape, open empty space, in which you wander but without feeling a sense of purpose, direction, and belonging.

All of this is normal in grief. Many of us feel lost as we grieve. The people we love and who love us contribute in major ways to the structure and rhythm of our lives, both our lives out in the world and our emotional lives within. We may take some of this influence for granted, as we are not always thinking about full impact that loved ones have on our sense of self, place in the world, and life direction. When we lose someone we love, we miss them terribly—that we expect. But the broader sense of lostness or disorientation that can come is harder to anticipate.

For instance, you may have activities that give you pleasure, long walks through the city, writing short stories, enjoying a glass of wine, the sea air, playing the violin—activities that are connected with the person you have lost, perhaps through having done the activities together, or having talked about them. In whatever ways, your experience of these activities is bound up with the love you felt for each other. Your work life can also be bound up in that love. Perhaps the loved one was interested in your work, or felt proud of you, or supported you when there were bumps in the road. This person’s attention, their presence in your life, may have contributed to feeling a sense of meaning and grounding in your work.

All of which is to say that in addition to moving through your sadness, you may feel out of whack, off kilter, off balance, and lost. The relationships with people we love are interwoven through our life experience in ways broad and deep. Not having this person with you physically any longer may leave you feeling shaken even in parts of your life that you never anticipated.

But, have hope. It may feel like this lostness will last forever—like the structure of your life is permanently askew. However, like other aspects of grief, this feeling of lostness and disorientation is part of a process you are moving through, not the way things need to be forever.

Working together in therapy, we can walk together through all of what you are experiencing, including your feelings of lostness and disequilibrium. As we go, we can support you to find your footing again, to feel grounded, and to find meaning and direction again in life.

If are grieving and feeling lost, I invite you to contact me at (510) 500-9722 so that we can talk about how grief counseling can help.