Riding the Waves of Grief

Most people have heard of the seven stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, then finally, acceptance and hope. You look at that list, and what do you see? For most, it's something linear. After all, you should just move cleanly from one stage to the next, right? But, while these elements are often part of the grieving process, the truth is that for many people grief is not as linear or organized as this model suggests. There is no timeline or straightforward process of how to mourn the loss of someone you cared about. We all move through the process differently. At the same time, one thing we can say is that grief often comes in waves.

Why Does Grief Feel Like Waves?

Think about the ocean. As the waves come crashing towards the shoreline, each one is different. One may be large and really intense, while the next is smaller and less violent. Grief is similar. The swells of feeling that emerges inside you, the anger or the shock or sadness, are rarely the same each time—they can feel all-consuming, or they can come like a gentle whisper. Sometimes there are periods where your grief is at low tide; and then, perhaps in a moment when you don’t expect it, you may miss the person again with great velocity, or in a new way.

Death Is A Lot To Process

We're all human, and nothing puts this into perspective more than when we are suffering the loss of someone we once had in our lives. Now you live in a world where in a physical sense, they are just gone. What you have left are your memories of them, and the lasting impacts they had on your life. These memories and impacts are real, but the loss of their tangible, living presence can be deeply shocking. There are many layers of this to move through. If their death was unexpected, the shock of loss might feel unbearable. Death can also cause us to process our own mortality, to worry about the fragility of our own lives and the lives of others we care about. It's a lot to process all at once. What's the best solution? Try to allow yourself to take things one step at a time. Trying to process the whole experience all at once can be very overwhelming. The waves of grief will come; but these waves will also recede.

It Feels Like Anything Can Bring On Grief

So many parts of life can bring on grief. You're walking through the grocery store, and suddenly, a memory hits you. Maybe you see their favorite restaurant or food or remember something funny that happened when you were together. You hear a song they once loved that reminds you of them. You sit down to watch a television show—and a deep sadness hits you as you remember the shows that you once enjoyed watching together. Grief doesn't just hit you when you are doing something that relates directly to the person you’ve lost, or that pertains to death itself. Grief comes in waves as you remember the smallest of details. Or when, without knowing quite why it came upon you just then, you find yourself sobbing and missing them terribly.

Dealing With Grief

I wish I could tell you a definitive way to feel better. Or that if you do x, y, and z, you'll be able to deal with this new reality a little easier. There are no golden rules to follow or steps that will work for everyone. Give yourself grace and the space to accept that you aren't okay. Your life has changed, and you are still processing it.

Sometimes when friends tell you how you should grieve, pieces of their advice may feel helpful. But other times advice can leave you feeling more alone. You may long for deep company as you grieve—for friends and others who can be with you in whatever you are feeling, without telling you how to feel or how to stop feeling. You may need their true company in whatever you are feeling more than you need their advice. We do not need to adhere to other people's timelines of how they think our lives, or our grieving, should go. This is a deep process that you are in.

Talk about it. Reach out to friends or family who you feel can be with you in this process. Sometimes it helps to talk with others who may be experiencing the same kind of loss. But even if they aren’t, don't be afraid to talk to people you trust. They may not be able to fully understand what you are going through. You might not even be able to express what you’re going through in a way that makes coherent sense. That doesn't really matter; talking can hugely impact learning to live with grief. So can just being with people you love, in silence.

Grief is deeply painful, and can also bring up a lot of confusing emotions. If you are looking for someone who can navigate this with you and provide support as you move through this phase of your life, I invite you to contact me at (510) 500-9722 for grief counseling.