Worrying That Your Depression Will Bring Other People Down
Depression can manifest in many ways—as a persisting sadness that blots out enjoyment, a sense of emotional numbness, as a heaviness across your emotional and physical experience. Sometimes depression feels like it connects to a particular trauma or loss, while other times you may not know where the depression comes from, but it comes and stays nonetheless.
Feeling depressed is difficult enough as it is. But for many people, something that comes along with depression, and that makes it feel even more painful, is feeling alone in it. When you are suffering with something that seems purely physical, like the flu, it may be easier for you to reach out to others for company and support. But when you are suffering with depression you may be less comfortable reaching out to friends and family. This can leave you feeling very alone, and during a time when you particularly need the solace of loving company and care.
Why do we tend to feel this way? Why not reach out more readily for support when we’re depressed? Talking with my patients, many different feelings and worries can come up for them that contribute to their feeling unable or unwilling to reach out to others. Some worry that the people in their life will think less of them for being depressed. Some believe that others won’t take their suffering seriously because it’s in the realm of emotions rather than purely physical health. Also, the sheer emotional and physical exhaustion that can accompany depression can play a role—it can simply feel like too heavy a lift to pick up the phone or to have someone over.
Another common worry is that the weight one’s sadness and depression will be too much for others to bear. You may feel that if you are honest with people this will bring them down, and so they won’t be willing to stay with you and provide you company in your pain. But putting on a happy face is exhausting, and you may decide it’s easier to just be alone. Or you may reach out to friends and family, but pretend that you’re doing okay when you aren’t. You may feel that you cannot talk in a real way about your life and your inner experience, for fear of bringing them down, or having them leave. All of which can contribute to feeling painfully alone.
What is there to do? In all too many cases, people suffer through depression feeling isolated. But there are ways to work on this so that you don’t have to feel so alone. If you are worried that friends or loved ones won’t take your depression seriously or will judge you for it, it can be helpful to remember that we as a society have come a long way in terms of transcending stigmas around mental health. Depression is very common. Getting support through therapy is very common too. It may be that many of your friends and family members have experienced depression themselves or have been through depression with others in their lives. You might consider trying out being more open with friends and family members about what you’re going through. They may appreciate how your being open with them deepens your connection with each other. You may even have a common experience with depression that you didn’t realize.
Of course, not everyone is used to and comfortable with talking about emotions like depression or sadness. Sometimes, when you bring up feeling depressed, people aren’t sure what to say. Sometimes they have trouble figuring out what to say; sometimes they change the subject. Seeing them struggle may bring up for you the fear that you are bringing them down, and that they don’t really have the capacity to be with you as you are, to give you company in your feelings. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that all is lost in terms of their company and support.
At times, these people may feel flustered because they don’t know how to make you feel better. They may feel the impulse to give you practical help—to come up with something that will cheer you up, that will relieve you of your sadness. Feeling pressure to fix things can be overwhelming for them! But the truth is that for many people, when they feel depressed they aren’t looking for practical help or advice from their friends and family. What you really want is their company.
And if this is the case for you, it can be useful to remind others in your life that you aren’t looking for them to solve this for you, and that just being together is helpful. Even spending time together quietly, maybe hanging out on the couch, each reading, listening to music, or cooking something together, going for a walk, even just being together doing different things, you watch the sunset while they do a crossword—can be deeply meaningful in terms of helping you start to feel less alone. And over time as you experience more of this kind of nourishing company, you may begin to feel less worried about being open with others when you are feeling down.
If you’re struggling with depression, it’s easy to feel as if the weight you are carrying will be too much for others to bear. But isolating yourself, or being afraid of opening up to loved ones about what you’re really feeling, can be deeply painful. Depression therapy can support you on both of these levels. We can work together to ease your depression, and we can also explore and support your relationships with others. If you are feeling depressed and alone, I invite you to call me at (510) 500-9722 so that we can talk about how depression therapy can help.